Mei, a new manager in patient services at a large hospital, is loving (almost everything about) her new job. The team she leads is hardworking, and everyone pulls together to help families navigate the complex healthcare system. She has been impressed with their commitment.
Lately, though, she finds herself dreading management meetings. A few of her fellow managers gossip about others while complaining about the work. Sometimes it’s snarky comments about another’s personality or just a general negative connotation about the hospital. The meetings leave her feeling self-conscious and wondering if they gossip about her too. Mei notices after those meetings that her energy is depleted, even her focus isn’t as sharp. She, too, will start to feel negative about the work, despite loving her team and the impact they make.
Mei would like it to stop but she doesn’t know what to say to help direct the conversation into something more productive. She is relatively new and doesn’t want to rock the boat.
While Mei is a fictional character, her situation is common. This is one where some people in a department behave in ways that negatively impact others. It often shows up with complaining and gossip but can manifest in other ways too like an overabundance of critique or just silence.
Certainly, we could put the responsibility on bosses. Such as “it’s their job to coach and correct bad behavior”. This is true. But the reality is that bosses can’t be everywhere all the time and people act differently when the boss is or isn’t around.
Gone are the days where the boss is solely responsible for the team dynamic. Everyone on the team owns this responsibility.
If you are finding yourself negatively impacted by someone’s else’s behavior, you can do something about it. Here’s some advice.
Give the complainers some grace
Many chronic complainers and gossipers don’t realize the impact of their behavior. They aren’t engaging in it to ruin everyone else’s day or create a cruddy work environment. Instead, some behave this way out of a desire to relate to others or connect. They don’t want to feel alone. Others are stuck in a bad habit or possibly don’t have the skills to handle their negative emotions or frustration productively.
Remind yourself of this when you’re around a complainer. Give them some grace and remember, they’re not bad people. They just might feel isolated or lack some skills.
Help shape the conversation with questions
If someone in a meeting is demonstrating a repeated negative attitude and complaining, be the person who asks for other opinions. You can speak up and ask a question to redirect the conversation. This works for gossiping as well.
These questions are good ones to have handy in any meeting:
What do others think?
What other perspectives are at play?
What options are available?
What ideas are there for moving forward?
Sometimes, these open-ended questions work better than just point blank asking the complainer for solutions. That is a common approach, but it sometimes isn’t effective because the complainer’s thought process isn’t in solution mode.
Instead, try intercepting their thoughts by bringing in other perspectives.
Choose not to participate in gossip and complaining
You can just simply not engage in either behavior. This means, if someone starts to gossip, you change the subject. No need to explain, just do it. This works best when you’re one-on-one with a colleague.
For example, if a colleague starts to say “Did you hear what happened last week to Barb? She bombed her presentation.” You say, “What are you having lunch?” If you get an odd look, then say, “I don’t want to talk about Barb. I brought a burrito.” Make it funny or light. Sometimes that’s just enough to draw attention to gossip without calling someone out on it.
You can also be more direct and say “I don’t want to gossip. In fact, I have personal rule to not engage in it at all.” If you show the courage to go up against gossip, you can influence others to do the same.
You can do this with complaining too, when it's excessive. Sometimes, a small amount of complaining at work can be ok. You can set a time boundary for a complainer. Such as, “Let’s complain for 10 minutes but after that, let’s get back to work. Deal?"
Here’s the bottom-line: don’t stay silent around complainers and gossips. Speak up. In doing so, you’re showing others a commitment to a professional and supportive atmosphere.
We have the power to shape our work environment. By actively addressing negative behaviors and promoting more productive interactions, we can create a workplace where everyone feels valued, respected, and motivated to do their best work.
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Until next time!
Amy Drader is a management consultant and credentialed coach with over 20 years’ experience in HR and operations. She knows first-hand the joys and challenges of leading people and is dedicated to helping managers and teams advance their performance. She is the owner of Growth Partners Consulting, a boutique leadership and team development consulting firm that provides customized training and coaching.
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